Friday, 22 June 2012

A letter to my Dad....

Dear Dad,

I have such clear and vivid memories of you from when I was a child, I can play each and very one of them in my mind like a film reel and recapture the sight, sense and sound from those times.

Some of my first memories are of our trip to Poland when I was 3, we went with Grandma and Granddad and spent a month driving there and back. I remember being car sick in an orange bucket; the red squirrels dropping nutshells in my dinner; the huge frog we saw that I named Kermit and the crayfish we caught (in the same orange bucket!!); constantly calling "Daddy, Daddy, Daddy!!"....

Back home I remember "helping" you in the garden; you pretending a woodpecker lived in the hole in the tree; Halloween when you came down the stairs with a sheet on your head and your glasses over the top being a "ghost"; being taken to your work and allowed to play on the electric typewriters; you building a rabbit hutch and a sand pit....

Holidays in cottages in Wales with you fishing and us having days out in the rain; picnics we ended up eating in the car; you and Mum surprising me with riding lessons (which I had begged for for years)....

Being woken up to watch shooting stars with you; spending the day making fruity mocktails, homemade toffee, barley sugar and other goodies.

I felt so loved.

But it was a childhood of two halves and this letter would not be honest without acknowledging that - it was a wonderful, simple, loving and demonstrative early childhood followed by a much more reserved and complicated teenage hood and beyond.

When I was 15 we moved down south and that's when things changed - I lost you for the first time when you and Mum sadly separated.

It felt like I had a new Dad, someone different from the loving, open one I had known - it was a gradual process but one I have never quite gotten over.

But I never stopped loving you.

I have regrets and unfulfilled wishes - I regret not spending more time with you before you got sick.

I fear that we were at cross purposes, with you not wanting to pressure us to visit and me thinking you didn't want us to.

I regret that I didn't feel so loved in those later years.

I wish I had felt that you were proud of me.

I wish the Stepmum and little brother also left behind lived nearer so I could be closer to them....

It was three years ago today that I lost you for what felt like the second time when you lost your 18 month long battle with lung cancer.

I hope that wherever you are you know how much we all loved you, despite sometimes difficult circumstances and that we miss you every day....

With love always,

Sarah xxxx


  1. Oh, Sarah! What a beautiful post. It's made me well up. God bless your dad. xx

  2. A beautiful and moving tribute to your Dad Sarah,I'm sure that He's up there watching over you and your family right now.Hugs juliexxx

  3. I'm shedding tears while reading thus. Having a difficult day already and this has tugged my heart strings and twanged them. A lovely lovely letter, wonderful to share with us all too.
    Your dad would have been proud of you, who the hell wouldn't.
    Sending you a massive kiss and hug. Will be in touch soon.
    x x x x

  4. bittersweet beauty dear sarah!

  5. Thinking of you.... and remembering my Daddy in heaven, too.

  6. Oh Sarah, This post is so personally touching it made me a little teary. Bless, you have such strong early memories! I meant to comment on your last post too - it's remarkable how many crafty makes you manage to create in one week!! Don't be hard on yourself for not blogging too frequently - you're clearly busying yourself creatively!!

  7. Oh dear Sarah, I'm sorry for your loss. My hubby lost his dad just before Christmas - to that horrid disease, cancer. Having been at loggerheads for years, hubby and FIL realised late on that they actually quite liked each other. Just a pity that it took a terminal illness to make them realise.

    Your roses are coming on a treat, so chin up:-) Jackie

  8. Hi Sarah,
    I have such a different situation with my Dad, but I totally relate to how you feel.
    My Dad could be loving, but was colder at times and I was estranged from him when he died.
    I think he was proud of you. Men, especially from this generation, buried a lot of their feelings. I am sure he will have loved you and thought a lot of you.
    Try not to let it play on your mind, what did or did not happen. These thoughts run through my mind and it is so painful. Something a friend said helped when my Dad died. She had had some difficulties with her father who died from cancer. She said that after someone dies, all the misunderstandings become understood and the anger and difficulties are resolved. It may sound like religious claptrap to some, but I believe this to be true.
    It is sad that your close and loving relationship with your Dad did not continue smoothly. I think this was never your fault and he loved you to bits, whatever was going on with him. As a parent, I know now that I am still a kid inside.
    I wish so much that I remembered my Dad like you. So many of my memories are hazy.
    The love goes on and on. I really believe that. It is a shame that you don't live closer to your stepmum and brother, but I have seen from your blog that you make a lot of effort to be in touch with them and keep the bond and that is very special. Your brother will really appreciate it, especially when he is older.
    Tracy x


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