I can become so terrified I will be sick that I actually make myself feel as though I am about to vomit, it used to happen a lot but lately I have had a stretch where it has been a while.
Until last night.
I had been looking forward to Downton Abbey all weekend, but whilst I was watching I began to feel a bit "woozy" - I got up to get an anti-sickness pill as I was immediately concerned the wooziness might make me sick and I felt very wobbly, as though I was on a boat.
I took the tablets and sat back down to watch TV but my mind was on overdrive and soon I began to feel queasy and then really sick :0(
The meds I take for my anxiety (Venlafaxine) should be taken around the same time as you can begin to experience withdrawals very soon after missing a dose. Because I missed a dose Friday (I had run out) my doses were all over the place this weekend so I am hoping the blip was due to that.
At 10.00pm I went to bed and took my meds (32hrs after the last dose so technically late) and a sleeping pill and lay in bed "fighting" the nausea. Mr G very sweetly came to bed soon after as he knows I struggle to sleep when he is not in bed with me.
I woke this morning feeling a bit fragile but not sick. But I am feeling low. Low that I can still do this to myself even after a long period of it not happening. Low that if it is something I "make happen" would it be possible to make it a permanent occurrence? What if it wasn't all in my mind and it was "real" nausea? How would I tell the difference?
I may have also mentioned I suffer from anxiety, but I realise that for the most part you probably cannot tell from this blog that I am sometimes crippled with fear. I have terrible health anxiety, I worry constantly I will become ill. I worry about dying.
So much so that the fear is a constant low-level hum in the background. It pops into my head every time I am doing something I enjoy, I can in a split-second picture the most hideous circumstances that culminate in me not being here. In this life I love, with all the wonderful people I love.
It's not just a normal, natural fear any one, particularly any mother, might have but a constant, horrible fear that can peak and take my breath away - although I have never have what might be called a "classic" panic attack.
I have had lots of treatment for the phobia (nothing makes it better), but not really for the health anxiety. My GP has referred me to a new iTalk scheme where you receive therapy over the phone so I am hoping that will help.
Apologies, because this is probably not what you expect from jolly Sarah. I'll leave you with a pic of the lovely dahlias from our garden - definitely going to plant more of these:
(Thanks for listening)
hugs,
S x
Nobody is jolly all the time. I bet if you knew the people behind the blogs, you would be surprised at what is going on with them.
ReplyDeleteHave they ever referred you for cognitive behavioural therapy? There is also something called the Linden method, for anxiety sufferers that sounds interesting. This might be more for people who have anxiety attacks though.
I have heard that people with anxiety are often the creative ones and the ones with fantastic imaginations. When it happens and the thoughts come, have you tried imagining something else? Maybe try imagining your family happy and healthy.
I think when bad things have happened and our control is taken away, it is very hard.
I don't think this is something that you are consciously doing to yourself. Maybe something triggered it or you have had more stress on than normal. It may not happen again and look at all that time you haven't had it happen for.
I have rambled here a bit. Keep at your docs if you feel you need more support. They can do more than they let on sometimes. Bottling it up doesn't help so you are right for saying how you are feeling here and a brave lady. xxx
Oh sweetheart. You poor thing.
ReplyDeleteWill email you tonight.
x x xx x x xx x x x
Oh you poor thing! *hugs* I hope the iTalk helps, I really do.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you and hoping you feel better soon.
Ashley x
its hard to be jolly all the time- i find myself always putting a smile on blog, but in reality im not in a good place at the moment, i guess a blog is about putting a on a show of things you love, things that inspire and u think others will enjoy!
ReplyDeletebut the person behind a blog can be far from the bliss they try to show, i am oneof these, cos if i told bloggers how i was feeling id think my blog would be quite bleak! but sometimes its good to share the true feelings, A problem shared is a problem half'd my mum always says xxxx
I understand completely. Have you ever read the book Self Help for your Nerves by Dr Claire Weeks - it helped me - I got it from my local library.
ReplyDeleteHon, you are not alone.
ReplyDeleteI used to suffer terribly with anxiety and panic attacks. I didn't really understand what was happening and for now, they have passed. But, I worry constantly that they will return. My mum has always had depression, too.
Big hugs to you.
XXXXXXXX
thinking of you xx
ReplyDeleteit takes courage to share those things. i wish you didn't have to be so strong. i'm grateful that your medication gives you some sense of relief. crossing my fingers that the new treatment works, dear sarah.
ReplyDeletehttp://honeybeelane.blogspot.com/
I hope I didn't sound flippant by saying try to imagine your family happy. I know it is not simple or easy. I have experienced health anxiety and panic attacks, but different things work for different people. Really hope you're ok. x
ReplyDeleteOh Sarah, you poor darling. It's just horrible living with anxiety and phobias. You know I've been where you are and understand how you feel. I hope that you are feeling more at ease very soon.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you sweetie.
Take care,
Anne xx
My mum is an emetophobic too. It's hard for people to understand just how much it can grip you and rule your life. She has had it since she was a little girl and struggled dreadfully when her kids were young and ill!
ReplyDeleteAs Kazzy says, we all have our black days, weeks, months etc. Most of us blog to get away from the harsh realities of life, so they are not as refelective of the person behind them. You really are not alone, remember that xxx
Never before have I read a post that has made me want to get in my car immediately and come over and hug someone hard.
ReplyDeleteIt is so awful when your head goes all wrong. I have had anxiety problems before, quite badly for a period of time, I cold "see" things happening as though I was watching a film. It's crippling. I feel for you. I pray you will find some kind of therapy/medication combination that works for you.
The hardest thing is that you worry that you'll be like this forever with no relief. And in doing so you prolong the period of worry, which makes you fretful.....and so it goes on!
I have my own demons and I have some dreadful days. In the past I have freaked out thinking I was getting ill again and that I was going to fall badly into the pit. But since sort of allowing myself to have the odd day to feel rubbish I haven't been quite as bad. I figure everyone has the odd day when they feel depressed, anxious, sad, nervous.... so why can't I? I have decided I am only to worry when I wake up on the fourth day feeling worse than the first day. I don't know if this would work for you but it is worth a try hey?
Sending out "feel better" vibes right now.
Glad you got the labels my love.
xxx
Thanks for posting such an honest and moving post Sarah. As a very new blogger i was starting to think the blog world was made up of people with absolutely perfect lives and ive tried to just follow people who i sense have lives more like me...good some days, crap other days but striving to live a simple, non stressy and peaceful life..its not easy and i suffer from anxiety as well, which is mostly under control with meds...and i completely get the running out!...big thanks once again,you are great xxx Justine.
ReplyDelete*Hugs* take care of yourself and treat yourself gently for the next few days.
ReplyDeleteyou poor thing and as reading post backwards glad your feeling better today , no how you feel as suffered anxiety before charlotte still get nervous over somethings hence probably why still cant drive xx take care
ReplyDeleteOh Sarah,I do feel for you,I dont know quiet what to say ,but do hope your feeling 100% better today,sorry, read your post backwards too,a day late,if that makes sense? sending virtual hugs too,take care of yourself,julie.xx
ReplyDelete