I can become so terrified I will be sick that I actually make myself feel as though I am about to vomit, it used to happen a lot but lately I have had a stretch where it has been a while.
Until last night.
I had been looking forward to Downton Abbey all weekend, but whilst I was watching I began to feel a bit "woozy" - I got up to get an anti-sickness pill as I was immediately concerned the wooziness might make me sick and I felt very wobbly, as though I was on a boat.
I took the tablets and sat back down to watch TV but my mind was on overdrive and soon I began to feel queasy and then really sick :0(
The meds I take for my anxiety (Venlafaxine) should be taken around the same time as you can begin to experience withdrawals very soon after missing a dose. Because I missed a dose Friday (I had run out) my doses were all over the place this weekend so I am hoping the blip was due to that.
At 10.00pm I went to bed and took my meds (32hrs after the last dose so technically late) and a sleeping pill and lay in bed "fighting" the nausea. Mr G very sweetly came to bed soon after as he knows I struggle to sleep when he is not in bed with me.
I woke this morning feeling a bit fragile but not sick. But I am feeling low. Low that I can still do this to myself even after a long period of it not happening. Low that if it is something I "make happen" would it be possible to make it a permanent occurrence? What if it wasn't all in my mind and it was "real" nausea? How would I tell the difference?
I may have also mentioned I suffer from anxiety, but I realise that for the most part you probably cannot tell from this blog that I am sometimes crippled with fear. I have terrible health anxiety, I worry constantly I will become ill. I worry about dying.
So much so that the fear is a constant low-level hum in the background. It pops into my head every time I am doing something I enjoy, I can in a split-second picture the most hideous circumstances that culminate in me not being here. In this life I love, with all the wonderful people I love.
It's not just a normal, natural fear any one, particularly any mother, might have but a constant, horrible fear that can peak and take my breath away - although I have never have what might be called a "classic" panic attack.
I have had lots of treatment for the phobia (nothing makes it better), but not really for the health anxiety. My GP has referred me to a new iTalk scheme where you receive therapy over the phone so I am hoping that will help.
Apologies, because this is probably not what you expect from jolly Sarah. I'll leave you with a pic of the lovely dahlias from our garden - definitely going to plant more of these:
(Thanks for listening)